Controversial maybe but hear me out. When I worked as a cashier back in high school, I noticed it was overwhelmingly women who took their bad days out on others, who showed up at the checkout lane with a scowl, who snapped at their children or partners, who ignored you when you greeted them, who raged or swore or swiped the bag aggressively from your hand. Overwhelmingly women. And all of those behaviors are antithetical to what it means to be truly emotionally intelligent, which is to not only have self-awareness but orient yourself to others’ feelings over your own when your own feelings are harmful to the people around you. To be emotionally regulated.
And mostly it was men who smiled at you, asked about your day, laughed easily, and spread their joviality all around. And we can’t be sure they weren’t having a bad day, either. One of those customers I remember was literally homeless and never, ever came in with a nasty attitude. Ever. Even though it would be perfectly reasonable for anyone in that situation to be unpleasant.
And it’s funny because not too long ago there was a post asking why men take no interest in the inner worlds of their women. How true is that, really? Think of all the ballads or songs you know written by a man about his women, her essence, her whole being paid tribute to, and then recall all the songs you’ve heard written by a woman about her man. Not how that man makes her feel, but who that man is as a person. How many songs, books, movies, poetry, etc. are written by women about a man’s soul? Not his actions, not stereotypy, but a soul unraveled. Emotional complexity projected like a holograph for all to see.
The reality is, for anyone to probe your soul, or be motivated to do so, you have to show you care about theirs. You get what you give. Everybody wants those long thoughtful paragraphs from your loved ones when you’re feeling down or unlovable describing everything they love about you, what makes you special to them, (genuine) compliments, emotional validation, promises of unwavering support and compassion. But how many of you write those yourselves?
And I’m not saying men are more emotionally intelligent than women. The kindest, most gracious person I’ve ever known is a friend of mine and she’s a woman. But the vast majority of people - both men and women - are chiefly preoccupied with their own emotions, life story, trauma, desires, dreams, inner world, etc. over anyone else’s. But women definitely don’t have a monopoly on emotional intelligence the way men don’t have a monopoly on cognitive intelligence. Whatever differences we observe is mostly due to socialization the same way women are not bad at math so much as conditioned to believe that men are “better” at STEM.
Having a rudimentary interest in psychology doesn’t make you emotionally intelligent. Feeling things deeply doesn’t make you emotionally intelligent. Even what I’m doing right now writing about emotional intelligence doesn’t make me emotionally intelligent. Emotional intelligence is in our words and actions to others — awareness of how the other is feeling, tender gestures and words. And emotional intelligence is not discriminating.
Y’all can downvote if you want, but the message is going to resonate with somebody and that’s what matters ♡
