I thought i made the right choice putting my cat to sleep yesterday while she was still eating but now i think i acted out of exhaustion.
My cat had been diagnosed with stage 3/4 kidney disease 2 years ago. In that time she crashed twice so bad that the vet said it was her final days. I pulled her through each time.
A few weeks ago she got a fungus which we started treating locally. After the vet visits she started sitting by the pond and not drinking or constantly drinking. She had face tremors often (last crashed the tremors were less often)
It's been an intensive few weeks with multiple vet visits, not sleeping as she started sitting in cat loaf position on the bed not sleeping. She also went to hunt mice all day and now she stayed around the house.
Saturday i got scared because of the frequent tremors and how she isolated herself and the bad sleeping and went to the vet where she was given steroids which made her feel so good.
Tuesday i had a new appointment for blood results. Everything was stable and creatinine and sdma improved. My vet thought tremors could be neurological or the fungus that would've spread. I asked for steroids but they recommended regular painkillers for now.
She slept again on painkillers and scratched to go outside. Wednesdaymorning she even pranced around with my other cat to the neughbours garden, something she hasn't done in weeks.
She was back after a few minutes, and she sat and her head was trembling sometimes. She came for snuggles but when i picked her she even tried to scratch me (never did that) she alternated between being very affectionate and then sitting away from me in catloaf. She begged to be on my lap and then growled after a while. She was in pain.
She didn't want to eat but with mirtazapine she ate some of her cookies.
I called my dad to come say goodbye as it would be her last days or hours. But then i saw she walked and she was very unstable waggling.
In my mind it seemed like even though her bloodwork was better her kidneys were giving up. I had a ckd cat with hissing when petted and waggling and those were his last days.
The tremors were also more often than the day before. I called the vet to put her to sleep as i thought she would fully crash later, or would have a seizure. But also partially also because i couldn't mentally go through another round of medication to see if it worked as nothing has really helped the last days. Except steroids for pain relief.
Today i realized i havent been taking my bipolar meds for the past days, i wonder if i made the decision out of exhaustion to not go through with steroid treatment. I will never forgive myself for not having tried this anyway the same day for a few hours to see what happens. Perhaps the hissing and waggling spooked me as i had seen this before. But she was still eating something and drinking.
I thought it was the right choice to spare her the coming pain but what if it was temporary pain as middle of last week she was way worse? She pulled through twice with worse blood results.
I have had her for 10 years from neighbours who moved and left her behind. I feel like i failed her. If i didn't forgot to take my meds maybe i wasnt so tired and maybe i could've tried steroids and maybe she would have pulled through because despite her feeling unwell she was eating and i even made her gain some weight.
I hate myself for what i have done.
